![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
proceedcycloneMy cousin reached out to my sister recently with concerns about our parents. While we were aware that my mother inherited some money from my uncle’s estate, there was a lot of drama at the time as my uncle’s will was not notarized and my parents were very vocal about feeling as if they didn't receive what they were due. Between their insistence that they should have been given more, the appreciation for how my mother took care of his father as my uncle’s health deteriorated, and the presumed guilt my cousin felt for not being there for his father more, unbeknownst to us, he and his wife have sent my parents a total of $20,000 over the course of the last two years.
They are both a few months shy of 65 and neither one has worked in about a decade; my mother had a stroke at 50 and my father never found a job after being let go from a nonprofit that assessed the energy efficiency of houses and replaced parts (doors, windows, hot water heaters, appliances, etc.) accordingly for low-income clients due to no longer being able to physically perform manual labor jobs and not having the social or technological skills (he might be able to figure out how to turn on a computer) necessary for most modern jobs these days.
Growing up, we were pretty poor; we got Section 8 and their highest total wages were less than I make as a teacher in California. At times, we were even down to one income as my father was in prison or out of work. My mother would ask the local grocery store to hold her checks for a week until her next paycheck and we would get food from the food bank. I’m sure she had more tools in her tool belt to ensure we made it through the month than I even know.
Nowadays, my parents report that between my mother’s retirement, disability, and social security, they take home about $3000 a month, which should cover their monthly expenses but somehow doesn’t.
Five years ago, while I was pregnant, our plan had been for my parents to move closer to us; we would help them buy a house and, in exchange, they would watch Aurora for us. This would also allow us to help them around the house and we share bulk groceries we can’t finish before they spoil with them. Being near family would have also helped their mental health as now my paternal grandmother is the only one local. But they found fault with every house we found in their price range and, once I had to return to work, we had to reroute that money to daycare. Now, housing prices have skyrocketed and we no longer feel that my parents are stable enough, physically and mentally, to supervise a child independently.
While we could feasibly help some financially, we don’t trust that our parents would use that money for necessities or be able to stretch it like they have in the past as they now frequently buy overpriced items at gas stations, refuse to frequent cheaper grocery stores, and my mother cooks less, partially due to trouble standing for extended periods of time, resulting in more fast food and takeout purchases than before. My father still relapses periodically and my mother has, with few exceptions, continued to enable it by keeping his secrets from us.
This new knowledge has left my sister and I with many conflicting feelings. We want to be able to help, of course, as they are our parents, but they are resistant to the type of help we can and are willing to provide. For example, my sister has offered to help them budget (that’s why we know approximately how much they take home a month), but my mother will not provide her with all the specifics. Similarly, we offered to buy them a new hot water heater that they desperately need, but they had to coordinate a day and time for installation and never have. But I now have my own family and live 3.5 hours away from my parents; my sister got married nine months ago and lives on the other side of the country. They are also looking at moving back to the west coast and starting their own family in the next couple of years.
And, maybe it’s selfish, but I also feel like I’ve worked really hard to have what I have and I shouldn’t have to be responsible for my parents’ mistakes, which has taken years of therapy to achieve as I dutifully hid my parents’ drug habits and my father’s absences from my even my closest friends growing up and spent all of my time working toward higher education with which to, eventually, remove myself from precisely this situation.
But how bad is it? Are they using the money they receive from others (my cousin is not the only one) on necessities or splurging? Are they at risk of losing their house? What does my cousin expect us to do? Does he believe we are somehow more financially capable than they are? He has also asked us not to share with my parents that he has discussed this with us, which limits our ability to even address the issue with them effectively as we cannot cite specifics. Is it not just about money and do my parents need someone to take over their finances, which is even more undesirable than simply sending them money? Their health is not being any better managed, it seems. Do they just simply feel as if, unlike when I was growing up, they have nothing left to lose?
Between being a parent and a wife, owning a house with pets, and being a teacher, I just feel like I don’t have anything left to give at the end of the day and I’m feeling smothered by the pressure to be everyone to everyone at the same time.
They are both a few months shy of 65 and neither one has worked in about a decade; my mother had a stroke at 50 and my father never found a job after being let go from a nonprofit that assessed the energy efficiency of houses and replaced parts (doors, windows, hot water heaters, appliances, etc.) accordingly for low-income clients due to no longer being able to physically perform manual labor jobs and not having the social or technological skills (he might be able to figure out how to turn on a computer) necessary for most modern jobs these days.
Growing up, we were pretty poor; we got Section 8 and their highest total wages were less than I make as a teacher in California. At times, we were even down to one income as my father was in prison or out of work. My mother would ask the local grocery store to hold her checks for a week until her next paycheck and we would get food from the food bank. I’m sure she had more tools in her tool belt to ensure we made it through the month than I even know.
Nowadays, my parents report that between my mother’s retirement, disability, and social security, they take home about $3000 a month, which should cover their monthly expenses but somehow doesn’t.
Five years ago, while I was pregnant, our plan had been for my parents to move closer to us; we would help them buy a house and, in exchange, they would watch Aurora for us. This would also allow us to help them around the house and we share bulk groceries we can’t finish before they spoil with them. Being near family would have also helped their mental health as now my paternal grandmother is the only one local. But they found fault with every house we found in their price range and, once I had to return to work, we had to reroute that money to daycare. Now, housing prices have skyrocketed and we no longer feel that my parents are stable enough, physically and mentally, to supervise a child independently.
While we could feasibly help some financially, we don’t trust that our parents would use that money for necessities or be able to stretch it like they have in the past as they now frequently buy overpriced items at gas stations, refuse to frequent cheaper grocery stores, and my mother cooks less, partially due to trouble standing for extended periods of time, resulting in more fast food and takeout purchases than before. My father still relapses periodically and my mother has, with few exceptions, continued to enable it by keeping his secrets from us.
This new knowledge has left my sister and I with many conflicting feelings. We want to be able to help, of course, as they are our parents, but they are resistant to the type of help we can and are willing to provide. For example, my sister has offered to help them budget (that’s why we know approximately how much they take home a month), but my mother will not provide her with all the specifics. Similarly, we offered to buy them a new hot water heater that they desperately need, but they had to coordinate a day and time for installation and never have. But I now have my own family and live 3.5 hours away from my parents; my sister got married nine months ago and lives on the other side of the country. They are also looking at moving back to the west coast and starting their own family in the next couple of years.
And, maybe it’s selfish, but I also feel like I’ve worked really hard to have what I have and I shouldn’t have to be responsible for my parents’ mistakes, which has taken years of therapy to achieve as I dutifully hid my parents’ drug habits and my father’s absences from my even my closest friends growing up and spent all of my time working toward higher education with which to, eventually, remove myself from precisely this situation.
But how bad is it? Are they using the money they receive from others (my cousin is not the only one) on necessities or splurging? Are they at risk of losing their house? What does my cousin expect us to do? Does he believe we are somehow more financially capable than they are? He has also asked us not to share with my parents that he has discussed this with us, which limits our ability to even address the issue with them effectively as we cannot cite specifics. Is it not just about money and do my parents need someone to take over their finances, which is even more undesirable than simply sending them money? Their health is not being any better managed, it seems. Do they just simply feel as if, unlike when I was growing up, they have nothing left to lose?
Between being a parent and a wife, owning a house with pets, and being a teacher, I just feel like I don’t have anything left to give at the end of the day and I’m feeling smothered by the pressure to be everyone to everyone at the same time.
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-23 01:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-23 04:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-23 11:13 am (UTC)- Erulisse (one L)
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-23 02:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-23 06:51 pm (UTC)Thank you for sharing
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-24 02:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-24 04:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-27 03:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-27 10:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-27 02:49 pm (UTC)Hugs
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-27 07:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-28 03:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-28 04:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-28 09:12 pm (UTC)I'm 44 and many of my friends are in similar situations (parents aging, how much help is needed.)
You aren't alone.
I am not sure how to go about it, but are there...could they be connected to social services more? Have a case worker? Maybe get Meals on Wheels?
It's really hard as parents age. It's kind of harder than kids in some ways (both need help, financial and otherwise) because parents ARE seen as adults with legal rights to make decisions. Which is great but leads to things like how my aunt is losing her memory and gives all her money every month to scammers.
The process of "declaring" someone incompetent due to Alzhiemer's or otherwise is very hard.
And also the ...like when a family member "feels you should help," but you know it wouldn't help to just give money (that might be spent but not on the needs), it's so hard. Hugs, hugs. I do hope you find answers!
(no subject)
Date: 2022-05-31 04:13 pm (UTC)